Overwhelmed

I don't think life has really sunk in until this week. (I'm sure this is something that will happen many more times in my lifetime!) I have grown up my entire life knowing that graduating from high school was no where near an option and that graduating from college with a Bachelors was what people do. So I did it too! My life has worked out pretty nicely and schooling has been something that I can honestly say has gone without any bumps along the way. Up to this point in my life, I have never really questioned what I was doing with my education. But this week was filled with firsts!!

I was working on a peer review essay the other night and could not find the information I needed anywhere! I worked on this (instead of being social) for about an hour just to end up empty-handed. I was so incredibly irritated!!! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks... What the heck am I doing in grad school?!? Why am I dishing out 7 years of hard-earned money to do something so impossibly hard?! Why did I say goodbye to every single person I know to move to a new place where I am a stranger?! Why did I willingly sign up to put myself through 2 more years of nail-biting tests, forever long papers, insomnia-curing textbooks, late nights of cramming, hours of homework, and mind-boggling theories?! I sat there on my couch all alone with school work ALL around me and stared at the wall as this realization hit me. I was overwhelmed!!

For a fleeting moment, I had the urge to pack up, throw in the towel, and go back home, but I know that isn't really even a possibility so I just sat there and let the overwhelming feeling get the best of me. Needless to say, I had a small breakdown. So what did I do?!? I gave up on the homework thing and went to sleep.

The next day didn't get any better. It seemed as if that little angel that is supposed to sit on my shoulder had taken a vacation and only the little shoulder devil was there to question what I was doing. He seemed to sit there and loom over me and my situation. Ugh! So I came home and called my mom. (What would I do without free family minutes and cell phones?! - Seriously!!) She listened like she always does and then gave the best "suck-it-up" pep talk to remind me of what I am doing here!

She reminded me that I am gaining an exceptional education. I am getting a degree so that I can help wonderful children who have challenges! I am gaining wonderful experiences making new friends and sharing the gospel. I am learning so much from living on my own - experiences I know that I need. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to!

Along with my mom's pep talk, I have received many other reminders since then! In institute class this week, we studied the first few chapters of Proverbs. They are all about gaining wisdom and knowledge and why it is so important. Then I watched Elder Holland's Mormon Message: Good Things to Come. In it he says,

"Don't give up... Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead... You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

Then, one of our professors reminded us this week how many people applied for one of our seats in the program - about 185; yet, each of us were chosen for a reason to take one of the 19 seats. She reminded us that there will be days where we don't want to be here at school, but she told us to remember how those 166 others who didn't get in wished they were in school!!

I sit here today overwhelmed! This time, it is a good overwhelmed. I am so grateful for these reminders (aka tender mercies) from a loving Father in Heaven who wants me to realize why I am here. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to be in this graduate program! I honestly have nothing to complain about. Of course school is hard and expensive and even overwhelming at times, but it will all be worth it in the end! It is true, there are plenty of "good things to come."

I know today, better than before, that I am here for a reason. I am so much more determined to make sure I succeed. I am going to follow Elder Holland's advice: I am going to keep trying and never quit. So here's to graduate school! And now my free time is up - I am off to tackle that peer review essay... I think I am much more prepared this time! ;)