I have an entire class dedicated to the topic of stuttering this semester. First off, I absolutely LOVE school. It is the first time I can honestly say that since probably 6th grade! I love what I learn about! I love my professors. I love that I am in a class of 19 and not a class of 191! I love that I can name the other people in my classes. I love it all!!
Anyway, I have a class all about stuttering. It is 5 hours long on Fridays. Today was my first day. We had homework due at the beginning of class and then discussed basic characteristics and conditions that a person who stutters may have. I have had enough speech classes to know quite a bit about the disorder and it was a wonderful review.
After our short 40 minute review, our professor listed 10 different stores, restaurants, and campus buildings on a board. She then broke us into groups of 2 and sent us out to an assigned place. We were assigned to go to our place and act as if we were a person who stutters while engaging with someone outside of our class. Our partner was to watch how the event took place without being obvious. We were given one hour to do it.
I walked out of class with this instant feeling of panic, anxiety, concern. What were people going to think of me? Would they laugh? Would they treat me as an idiot? Would they try to talk for me? Would they understand me? Would they think I was just acting dumb and blow me off? The point was to make them think we really had a stutter. I am NOT an actor. But off we went to the NAU bookstore to fulfill our assignment. It worked out nicely that I had to pay for a book anyway yet I didn't know where the billing office is. We walked into the bookstore and we started looking around as if we were shopping. I spent the next several minutes trying to compose how I would ask for directions to the billing office after stating that I needed to pay for my textbook.
Finally I knew I just had to do it before I over-thought it anymore than I already had, so I got in line and waited. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to humiliate myself. I didn't understand why my professor would ever have us do this. Finally after what seemed like an hour, it was my turn. I walked up to the clerk with cautiousness written all over my face and stuttered my way through my question. The clerk stared at me as if she was shocked that I, a person with a stutter, would need a textbook. She then proceeded to give me the most detailed directions EVER as if I was retarded. I was embarrassed and unwilling to talk. I nodded my head in affirmation of her directions instead of speaking. I didn't want her to stare. I didn't want her to question me. I was uncomfortable. She treated me like a young, incompetent child.
As I walked away with the directions in my hand, it hit me like a TON of bricks. THAT is exactly how a person who stutters feels every time they anticipate opening their mouths. They worry. They fret. They build up anxiety. They don't want to be treated differently. They don't want to be treated as if they are retarded. They don't want to be pitied. They just want to be normal. I almost started crying right then and there. They are children of God just like you and me.
We got back to class and our professor immediately turned on a movie made by and for people who stutter. They stated how they have come to realize that everyone has concerns, challenges, and fears. It just so happens that people who stutter have a concern, challenge, and fear that the rest of us can plainly see. I thought about how I have concerns and challenges and fears just like them, but unlike theirs, I can hide mine. I can keep them in my heart locked away from the criticism of others. I can guard them from those who wouldn't understand.
My heart broke for these courageous, determined, brilliant individuals who are classified as a "stutterer." At the end of the video, these individuals who stutter stated how grateful they were to be faced with this challenge. It has taught them how to love everyone, how to be confident in who they are, how to work hard towards any goal. But most importantly, they spoke of how they have learned to live their lives with courage and not fear.
It was an amazing experience for me. I am up here at school alone. I don't know many people at all and the few I do know, I met this week. I feel quite out of my "comfort zone" up here! However, I DO know what homesickness feels like. I DO know what coming home to an empty apartment feels like. I DO know what fear feels like when I know I have to go meet new people. Come to think of it, there are things that we would rather not have to do on a daily basis no matter what stage of life we are in. But like these people who stutter, we have a daily choice: to live our life in fear or to tackle life with courage.
I have really tried to be courageous so far, but now I have an even greater desire to be courageous. If people who stutter can do it, I have no excuse! I am so grateful for the many lessons we learn throughout the day! I am grateful that my professor had us go out and do this assignment. I am grateful that the Holy Ghost can testify of all truths - not only things we learn in church. I am grateful that he spoke to my mind today and reminded me of the worth of every single soul no matter what their challenges may be. And more importantly, I am so deeply grateful that our Heavenly Father finds ways to let me know DAILY that He hears my prayers and knows my concerns even if no one else does. Not only does He hear them, He answers them - in this case, with examples of courage from His precious children who stutter. I know that Heavenly Father lives and loves each of us and we are His children! I hope you do too!
